If I Should Die
by sepkiakore
Summary: Just a nutty little story of what items/advice the slayers characters might leave to their friends if they were to pass on... Rated pg-13 for language and kinky references. ^-^ Next in line. Xellos!!
1. Zelgadis: Passing of a Wise Mind

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Dislaimer: I own none of these characters, although I do own their soul.. just kidding. Ideas are mine based on the personalities of the humans. I do mild bashing to everyone, but it's out of love.  
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First, I shall start with Zel.   
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If you are reading this, that means the world has been cursed with my passing on to a greater place... and since I'd like to prove that I am _not _the manical rube people make me out to be, I will leave a little peice of myself behind for everyone. Being that i have very few materialistic possessions, most of what I give will be bits of my mind and wisdom, because I am wise far beyond the call of duty...   
  
To Lina: I leave you my sword. I feel you will find this handy for your violent and unpredictable nature. It's really sharp, and I know of your secret infactuation with pointy things. Advice: Perhaps you should try to calm down some. Beleive it or not, blasting people into oblivion with fire and flare is _not _a good way to make friends. Also, try to be more open with your feelings. There is no shame in wanting to hop into bed with your beloved blonde companion. Animal lust can be fun if you don't think too hard, and god knows he doesn't...  
  
To Gourry: I leave you a single strand of my hair. Although everyone else will find this useless, crude, and perhaps slighty warped, I know that _you _will find a use for it and appreciate it as well. Advice: You are not as dumb as people make you out to be. You are superior when it comes to animal instinct; far beyond anyone else i know. Use this wisely. In fact, I'd advise you to use this gift as well as that nifty sword of yourse to bring about the apocolypse. Well, maybe if you're bored one day...  
  
To Amelia: I leave you my cape for if you go out on one of your little justice-spreading misadventures in a relativly cold place. Advice: You need to get out more. Really. The world sucks and nothing's going to make it better. Stop trying so hard... you can use your talents in so many different departments. Perhaps you should try exotic dancing. I've always found your breasts to be abnormally large and intriguing. In fact, I would have liked to done the nasty with you, but my chimeric state was preventing me from asking. O well. Such is destiny...  
  
To Xellos: I leave you a single dirty left sock, because I think it describes my feelings for you perfectly. Advice: You are the the biggest pain in the ass I've ever known. Shouldn't a monster of your prowess be spending his time trying to conquer Antartica ... as oppossed to harassing a loley group of travelling infidels? Go do something useful, like pulling legs off a grasshopper or something. And wipe that damn smile off your face before I come down from Nirvana and drop kick your ass.  
  
Filia: I leave you my shirt and pants to give to little Val once he grows older, and hopefully uncorupted by evil. Advice: There is very little I could tell you, for I like you the way you are. I guess the only thing I could say... perhaps you and Lina might want to take a few anger management courses together. You both need a little work in the department. Other than that, you are indeed a very spiffy dragon. Take out any violent tendensies on Xellos. I will put in a good word to the gods for you if you do something painful to him.   
  
And thus, I leave you with a heavy heart and soul. I promise to look over you all from my perch in heaven with my cup of coffee. Adieu.   
  
END  
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_Next up, Lina. ^^ I started will Zel because he's sarcastic and funny like that..._


	2. Xellos: Don't miss me too much

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How long has it been? ^-^ I know I said I was doing Lina next, but I'm working on hers to make it funnier. So, here's Xellos. He's great.  
  
Enjoy  
  
*******  
  
Xellos  
  
If you are reading this... then something's terribly wrong, because I can't die. But, if by some strange twist of fate i do perish, for L-sama is indeed a unique entity, I guess I should have my things given to the people who can use them most.  
  
I leave my staff to none other than Spot. He's in desperate need of a new chewing toy... the poor man's leg just wont suffice anymore.  
  
Gourry, you can have my cape because I think you will enjoy hours of walking around with it dramatically "swooooooooshing" in the wind. Ah, memories...  
  
Lina. I must say, the thought of leaving you behind pains me greatly. Have my lucky toothpick. It has many uses, but if I told you, it would defeat the purpose. You can figure them out for yourself. You're a smart girl.  
  
Zelgadis, you can have my favorite leather thong to remind you of all those *times* we... should have had.   
  
Dear Amelia. For you I have made a special sealed jar of my Aura to put under your pillow so that you will never quite forget what it's like to have me around. Don't worry about the nightmares that leave you feeling empty and hopeless. You get used to them in time. ^-^  
  
Filia, oh Filia. My favorite golden dragon on the planet (let's ignore the fact that you're the only one left). It's sad that I will never get to see your scowling face or feel the cold metal of your mace against my scull any more. How I will miss those long, fruitful days of driving you up a wall, especially when your tail popped out and I got to see your adorable pink undies. I leave you everything else that I own because I love you soooo much. And I'll have you know I cast a perminent spell on them so they never leave your side. Literally. They follow you everywhere. Have fun, darling.  
  
Well. I'll see you all in hell! ^-^  
  
Xellos 


End file.
